“Fuck off, Helen”


Well guys, let me paint you a little picture. 

Three days ago, my world was nice and rosey. The sun was shining, I had minor hayfever symptoms, but nothing too disastrous. But this soon changed!

I woke up yesterday and I couldn’t breathe! I was wheezing everywhere. The issue became a lot worse throughout the day. I was gasping for air. Why had I woken up in an 80-year olds body?

Growing up, I didn’t have the healthiest of lungs. I had asthma as a baby, which I grew out of – never to be affected by again. So I couldn’t understand why this was happening now! It seemed so strange to have come on all of a sudden. I was awful all day. I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without having to stop and inhale deeply so the air would reach my lungs. I was shook. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was too scared to sleep in case I couldn’t get enough oxygen into my lungs and they exploded. Imminent death.

I woke up the next morning, frankly, I’m just happy to be alive at this point – still choking for air though. I made it to the tube and I’m gasping for air to fill my lungs, alas, I’m about to pass the fuck out. Miraculously, I make it into work and I am sweating profusely (deep-breathing is hard work!). My director can hear my wheezes of sheer desperation behind him, so he sends me to the walk-in centre.

I arrive at the walk-in centre, only 39% battery on my phone (forgot my charger, you all know the pain I was in), with a sign saying they try to see patients within 4 hours. Well, this is just swell. My only form of entertainment was the old man next to me who was so deaf, every time the nurse announced somebodies name, he got up, because he couldn’t hear what she was saying – bless him! I’m sat there thinking I’m in it for the long haul, so i’m playing games with myself in my head. You know the ones? Where you make up life stories for people around you, or choose two people in the room you’d have a threesome with and why. If you don’t know these games, then please, play them!

I was only there around 35 minutes until I was called into the first room. The nurse assessed my symptoms to see if I’m in the right place and takes some details. She casually tells me to go back into the waiting room and wait for my name to be called again for a second time. So I do as I’m told and sashay back to my seat, which is next to the deaf old man who’s imitating a Jack-in-the-box and a Chinese lady who is flat out refusing to take the medicine the nurse has prescribed her – she was taking no crap.

Within 2 minutes, I’m called into the second nurses room, so I walk in casually and park my arse on the seat. I didn’t even get a chance to get comfortable until she said: “Charlie, you have been made a priority, you are incredibly unwell – this could be an emergency.”


Excuse you Helen? The fuck you talking about. Just give me my inhalers and I’ll be on my way.


As my life is flashing before my eyes, I’m being attached to loads of monitors and machines. I have things in my ear, things stuck to my chest, hands up my t-shirt, not warm hands either! So as I’m sat there, being groped, bashed and pulled, Helen then tells me my blood pressure is high! OH REALLY, Helen? I could have predicted that one.

So after Helen’s comforting demeanour, she then casually tells me it’s not as bad as she has expected. Shall I tell you what I have?




If I couldn’t get any gayer, I now have seasonal asthma. So as I predicted, I took my inhalers and left. This was after having to pay £17 for two inhalers. I miss the days of being a child and everything was free.

I’m now chocking on my many inhalers. And they have worked a treat. So, my day has been pretty good considering I thought I was dying at one point. Happy days!


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