Guys. Are you ready for my first-world, princess problems melt-down?
Let’s be honest, I’m 24 and recently moved to London. I’m at the start of my career, therefore I am living the peasant life – my flatmate and I eat our dinner on an ironing board. Enough said.
But I love it. It’s one of those things where in years to come, I’ll look back and laugh. Although, my flatmate and I do joke and say we’ll be in the same position when we’re 40. Well, when he’s 40 I’ll be 36 because I’m 4 years younger than him. TEHE.
But what do I not love? Well let me paint you a little story!
Our flat was always gloriously warm, it’s only a small flat, so when the heating is on, it heats up nicely. Our shower always had hot water, but it often went from hot to cold whilst in use. It was never ideal, but you could live with it. Well, apparently it was only me that could live with it. My flatmate being the butch gay he believes himself to be meddled with the boiler, so we haven’t had hot water or heating for days! DAYS. It’s so cold my penis have left my body and flown south for winter! My balls have jumped up inside my body – I haven’t seen them in days!
And of course, nobody can come out to fix the issue for ten years, the person on the phone made it seem as though sending a man to our flat is such a hardship. She almost had me believing said man would have to swim the Pacific Ocean to get to us.
Just send him Sandra, don’t test me bitch.
My mornings now begin by me screaming under the shower as it launches icicles at my shivering body. My evenings are spent sitting whilst I urinate (which I normally do as a treat to myself when tired). The last few days? Oh what a treat it is! I’m weeing in two dressing gowns; cradling a mug of tea for extra warmth, whilst revealing in the steam from my urine as it warms my buttcheeks. What bliss.
I’ve heard there are health benefits to cold showers. Well, I’ve now done the research. The only health benefit I can think of is having a bigger lung capacity from having to hold your damn breath to prevent your screams.
I rang my dad who can (normally) fix all these problems and pleaded with him to help me. You know, because you raised a sack of shit son who cannot fend for himself. (Which is technically his fault because he raised me). He couldn’t fix it could he. I have thought of so many ways to hurt my housemate for doing this to me.
My body aches for scolding hot water to caress it. We will be reunited one day. When that day comes, I’ll never take hot water and heating for granted. I will cherish every drop that falls from my shower head as if it was a personal gift from the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus Christ. To those reading this who have hot water and heating, kindly fuck off. That is all.
Pray for me one and all.