An open letter to him.


Hello,

We tried. We tried to build a foundation where we were friends – but we failed. Admittedly, it was mostly my fault. I couldn’t handle the thought of you being with another guy, which you were well in your right to do. There were too many feelings, alongside so much resentment.

Today is the first day since we broke up where you and I haven’t spoken. It was the longest day of my life. You were my best friend and now you’re nothing. I cried in the toilet at work, then had to fake a smile for the rest of the day.

I’ve never felt more alone, nor have I cried so much. If I think of you, I cry – I can’t help it. I feel embarrassed that I let myself be so reliant on another person. I feel embarrassed that I still love you as much as I do. I feel embarrassed that I tried so hard for you and I to get back together. I feel embarrassed that you have dropped me from your life so easily. I feel heartbroken.

Friends have told me that these emotions are normal. One day the pain will be a distant memory and you will just be another person. They tell me this to be helpful and positive. But to have you just be another person isn’t something I ever thought you would be. You were my teddy. You were the one person I went to for anything. Your kiss on my forehead would remove the stresses of life a little, the way you pulled me in at night to snuggle forced my face to erupt with a smile, something I hate doing. But with you I couldn’t help it.

How can somebody I thought so highly of, loved so much and opened myself up to destroy me to such lengths? How can you message me on Valentine’s Day to tell me I am and will always be your Valentine, yet be on Grindr hunting for a ‘cute guy with a nice smile and eyes’.

My Facebook memories reminded me that you and I were in Cornwall this time last year for your 33rd birthday. I loved it there, even though I was sick. I felt at peace. I remember sitting on the deck with a mug of tea, wrapped in a blanket as the rain fell onto the dock. I should have been looking at the picturesque view in front of me, instead I was just looking at you.

If we were still together, you and I would be on holiday right now. But you’re going to Budapest, your first holiday without me in three years. I hope you have fun.

I often think what was the pivotal factor that ended our relationship, or were there many? How can two people as good as we were end up this way. How could we have treated each other the way we did? The violence, the exchanging of words that we shared. How did we go from those two people who lived each day solely for one another, to what we are now? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel like you didn’t matter. I was so wrapped up in trying to make something of myself and my career that I made you feel left behind. I wanted to make something of myself for the both of us, I wanted to work for the means to create us a life we could be proud of. If I could go back and fix the cracks that began in our relationship, I would. Could I get over your betrayal? I don’t know.

Ive been rewatching Friends episodes on Netflix. We’re Ross and Rachel. You being Ross, and I’m Rachel. She finds a job she is passionate about, whilst Ross feels as though he’s not in her life anymore. She becomes too busy for him and he handles it badly, leading him to another woman. This is our story and I relate to them so much. I can see Ross’ side to the argument, as much as I relate to Rachel’s.

In all, you’re a good person and through everything that happened, I still think of you with complete love and I look back at the three years we spent together with complete happiness. I have never cared for, nor loved somebody the way I cared and loved you.

You’ll forever be my first love. I hope that you will always think of me as the one that got away. And you will regret the choices you made during our relationship. As much as it would hurt to see, I hope you find happiness, even if that happiness can not be with me.

Good luck x

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