Psycho Tanya


Since it’s Craig and I’s anniversary, I thought I would share how we came to be official…

Two-years-ago, Craig messaged me and told me to pack an overnight bag, he was picking me up in the morning and taking me away for the weekend. We had been dating for a month, and had seen a lot of each other in that time. He picked me up in his god-awful baby blue mini (which is luckily no more), that sounded like it was about to explode.

I got into the car and he handed me some strange pirate toy, sat in a plant pot. It was supposed to be a clue. Obviously, I had no bloody idea that this weird toy was supposed to represent Brighton, I mean? K.

We arrive, Craig had booked a hotel that looked onto the seafront. Our room was upgraded, which was excellent because it had the biggest bathtub, with jets. This, to me, means lavish. I’m easily impressed. I had told myself that this was it, he was going to ask me to be his boyfriend and make it official. We showered, dressed and ventured out for food, which led onto the pier and drinks. So, the drinks are going down, I’m still damn-well waiting for him to ask. My patience is non-existent. When I want something, I want it.

He then takes me to some grotty gay club. Well. It isn’t going to happen in here, is it! I neck my shot and it tips me over the edge, I am ready to unleash my inner psycho. We’ll call her Tanya. Tanya had risen and was ready. She put it to him straight. Why the damn hell am I still waiting for you to make it official? It went on longer than this and Tanya had said other things. She like to beat around the bush, It’s the method that works best. Also, Tanya was to blame because Charles is never at fault.

We stumbled back to the hotel room and I drunkenly pass out. We wake up the next morning and Craig wants me up before sunlight because he has a schedule to keep too. I quickly learnt that Craig has a schedule for every fecking thing and has a hissy if you stray from said schedule. There I am, walking around Brighton, trying not to vomit, deeply ashamed of myself for revealing my inner crazy bitch, Tanya, before we had made it official and he was trapped. Eventually, he takes me to Choccywoccydoodah, thankfully, I can sit down and be reunited with my first love, cookies. We ordered our desserts and Craig tells me he will be back. I’m sat there, waiting on what can only be described as a 3-year-olds stool, getting more annoyed as time goes by. Tanya has made him do a runner.

Eventually, he returns with a pink, chocolate lolly, shaped into a heart. He handed me the lolly and said:

“You ruined the surprise last night, but, I have really enjoyed dating you and I would love it if you would consider being my boyfriend.”

Well, if I have to!

We have visited Brighton every year, on our anniversary, ever since. He is an incredible human being. He loves me, and Tanya. What else could you ask for?

There it is, the story of how Craig and I came to be. Craig trying to be romantic and Tanya ruining everything. God, love her.



  1. Paul
    August 12, 2017 / 4:34 pm

    Hahaha I kinda like Tanya

  2. Forest Garfinkel
    April 17, 2018 / 4:28 am

    I love Tanya. What is not to love about her?

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